Permission

Where we get it, why we need it, and why it can be so hard to give

Adults: You can’t do that!

Me, as a child: Says who!

Me, now, talking to myself: You can’t do that!

Me, questioning: Says who?

You can also listen to this post — in my real voice. Not AI.

Can I just do what I want?

This is a question that has been running around in my brain for a year now. It’s one of the key questions of my retirement; one of the key questions of this time in my life.

The question hit hard in the spring of 2025, 3 years into retirement as I left the honeymoon phase of freedom from work, and it was time to actually make some decisions about what I wanted the next 25 years to look like.

Now at what should likely be the free-est time of my life, I don’t feel the same ability to take on new challenges and just try things.

But I also , for some reason, have just given up on the idea that I can just do what I want because it is good for me.

Can I just do what I want?

If you read this piece from August 2025 you’ll see that I had come to realize that I had pursued my career goals with little concern about the short-term effects on my family. I could always justify it because in the medium and long-term my success would be of benefit. Within this frame I could take on projects simply because they interested and challenged me.

As long as I had the veil of work to throw over my decisions, I could do whatever I wanted. And I mostly did. Work was my ‘permission’.

Me, not working…

Life grants us permission

I started thinking about the word ‘permission’ which has come up a few times over the last few months. And once I start thinking about a word or concept it seems to pop up everywhere.

When I read Roberta Hill, Wander After 70’s piece I’m not reinventing myself referring to permission, I knew I needed to spend more time thinking about what was still holding me back.

What is different today is not who I am. What is different is that I finally have more time available to devote to those interests.

The activity itself is not new. The PERMISSION is.

~Roberta Hill

Roberta’s premise is that we are not actually re-inventing ourselves in retirement or midlife; we are actually returning our focus on to the things we loved as children. As the restraints of work, family obligations, and financial burdens recede, we have the opportunity to pursue what we really want.

Life grants us permission.

A few days later The Midlife Nomad’s article Permission, Pirates, and the Trust it Takes to Jump landed in my inbox. I highly recommend this article, and pretty much everything she writes.

Jung called this the work of the second half of life, where we are not building the self anymore, but finally meeting it.

Jada of The Midlife Nomad

Jada writes about something her adult daughter said to her over a lovely meal one evening: “It’s time for you to live your life now and do what makes you happy. I mean, that’s what you always encouraged us to do.”

This is something I hear from my kids all the time.

1. Go do what will make you happy,
2. This is what you always wanted for us.

And I hear it from my parents who made the most of their early retirement years, and want the same for me.

After reading Jada’s post I wrote these words: “I’ve been very fortunate that both sides of my sandwich ¹ have given me ‘permission’ to soar. It’s true. I am surrounded by family that want me to do all the things, and it makes them happy when I do.

I’ve received permission from life, and I’ve received permission from my family, so why am I still talking about permission.

The hardest thing I’m finding is there is still one more person whose permission is required.

For the first time in your entire adult life, you are about to need permission from yourself, and you have absolutely no idea how to grant it.

Am I allowed to do this?

Why are we so bad at giving permission to ourselves?

Dan Haylett of Humans vs Retirement

Dan Haylett in The Permission Paradox says this is the thing nobody warned you about. He’s absolutely right! ² ³

I thought that by choosing to retire early at age 54 I was giving myself permission to live the dream. I would flip the switch and I’d be living my perfect life, exactly as I pleased.

Turns out, that isn’t actually how humans work – at least, not this human.

Turns out, I had decades of baggage to sort through. Decades of established patterns to interrupt. Decades of ingrained thinking to unlearn.

Here’s one of the biggest beliefs that has held me back, and it was one that I didn’t even realize I had.

Here’s what is holding me back

Here’s some character traits that I’ve always claimed I had. You’ll think that I have a very low opinion of myself, but I’ve mostly just accepted them, and learned to ‘work around’ them, and have managed to live successfully.

I am lazy. I am a procrastinator. I lack discipline.

Okay – I hear you. That’s some pretty negative self-talk you got going on there.

It’s alright. I know myself.

When I’m not doing things I’m interested in. When I’m not pursuing things I love. When I’m not captured by a particular fascination….

I am a lazy, undisciplined, procrastinator. My solution? Always chasing something new, that captures my interest – and then I can work 24/7!

And as long as I was able to incorporate this into my work, everything was fine. Are you catching the theme here? I can do anything I want as long as I can call it work.

The Protestant Work Ethic

Here’s the crux of the whole problem. I’ve discovered that I am a victim of the PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC!

I never would have guessed it.

Defined as ‘a sociological and religious concept emphasizing that hard work, discipline, and frugality are spiritual callings. That we are called to labour, and labour is not just viewed as a means to survive, but as a divine mission.

Dan Haylett defines it as ‘the unspoken belief of adult life that pleasure is the reward for productivity, rest is the reward for effort, and money unspent is virtue performed in public.’ And by the reward for productivity he means at the end of a long day you can sit in your chair for a bit before dutifully trudging off to bed, weary from your labours.

The protestant work ethic does not mean work for 30 years and then just do whatever you want, because you’ve earned it.

What do I really believe about retirement?

I’ve realized that in my very core I did not believe that I could spend this second part of my life pursuing the things that mattered to me. I did not believe that it was right or honourable for me to just do what I loved. I did not believe that I had paid enough rent on this earth to focus on just living my own life in my own way.

Counterpoint: I’ve admired others who have pursued their dreams in retirement. I 100% supported the choices of my parents and my husband who have embraced fully their own retirements. I believe my own children should take every opportunity to nurture their own creative drives and not become consumed with income-producing labour. ⁴

I have very liberal ideas about the pursuit of happiness and the good life. Just not, it turns out, when it comes to my own life.

One of the biggest struggles I have had in retirement is to insist that I apply the same standards to my own life that I apply to everyone else’s.

To say, loud and clear, I lived by that Protestant Work Ethic malarkey for the years when that made me successful. We raised the kids, bought the house, built the savings, made the plans. I did the work.

I’ll say that again. I did the work.

Now that’s my permission.

Back to Roberta’s thoughts on reinvention.

There is something liberating about reaching an age where the need to prove yourself begins to fade.

What I am experiencing now feels less dramatic and far more satisfying. I am simply spending more time doing the things I have always loved.

~ Roberta Hill

Amen Roberta! I would amend:

There is something liberating about reaching an age where the need to prove yourself TO YOURSELF begins to fade.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

~ Mary Oliver

I’m going to do the things I love. I’m going to go where I want. I’m going to stop worrying about whether or not I’ve earned it.

I’m giving myself permission.

So to return to that imaginary conversation that started this discussion:

Me: You can’t do that!

Still me: Just watch me!

I wonder what conversations you are having with yourself? Are you also struggling to give yourself permission? Let me know in the comments.

JL Orr | Paradox & Sea Glass

Based in the Okanagan Valley of British Columbia in Canada

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Here are some other writers that are talking about permission:

Pamela Marshall wrote: ⁵

For years I thought I was being responsible.

Save first. Live later.

Then my friend died, and I realized something.

The future isn’t guaranteed.

But neither is good health.

Or mobility.

Or the ability to climb that mountain.

Walk that Camino.

Or wander that little street in Portugal.

So now I still save. I still plan. I still prepare.

I just refuse to postpone living until some future version of myself finally has permission.

Thank you Pamela, Jo Barnes and chris kalaboukis for your wisdom.

1. Those metaphorical pieces of bread on either side of me that make me part of the ‘sandwich generation’. Although it is important to note that we have been empty nesters (does this require it’s own footnote explanation?) for two years now, so we are no longer really responsible for the care of children.

2. Everyone preparing for retirement or in retirement should read Dan Haylett’s Humans vs Retirement. I wish I’d found him sooner. He’s a financial planner, but his real niche is understanding retirement from the point of living it, not just funding it.

3. If you enjoy a sandwich analogy I also recommend his article The ‘Open Sandwich’ Generation.

4. I wrote about what I wanted to leave for my children in a piece entitled Legacy.

5. The graphic for this note did not include the final lines, so I have recreated it in full. You can find the note here.